LIVEBLOG

4/15/2026 @ 4:44pm ⬇

Helllllloo.

Martin is finally fucking normal. Been talking in the third person a lot. Feels very odd to me that it's become a thing but hell I really don't feel like looking into it. 

My dad is supposed to pick me up after work,, I dunno when that's happening. I thought about Little Nightmares 2 in class 2day and was like.man.i   need to play that! And so I'm going to my dad's to do so, since he took the Xbox LOL

Yano, I haven't had to journal. There haven't been any incredible revelations or any disgusting items that I haven't been able to logically process in my head--My thinking is far clearer now that I am not focusing on other people. It was the most weighty thing I think my conscious has taken up--What are they thinking? Who did they want me to be? Who was I to them?   Hurt me more than I thought. Constantly viewing myself through the unempathetic words of people whom I didn't mean as much as I thought to. 

I have gained a lot of fears and a lot of avoidance because of those experiences. I have not lived as myself for plenty of years. Now, I'm going on testosterone and climbing onto my roof to smoke a cigarette and watching my ripped DVDs on my CRT TV and feeling the cool breeze after hours out in the warmth of spring and I'm finally finding myself again. I took that time. I didn't necessarily have the choice, but I still tried. Did you?

Bye

3/2/2026 @ 10:43pm ⬇

Hello,

I believe it is that time of Martin's internal calendar to post a little liveblog update.

Things have been significantly better. No matter what, the dread will be an itch, but the days have been easier. I had a panic attack for the first time on Thursday, and another on Friday. Emotional regulation and staying afloat has been a bit difficult. School has been less insufferable. All of it still sucks, though.

A lot of new thoughts and feelings have come into fruition. I don't really mean to spill all my internal processes on here so often, but similarly to how speaking my brain aloud, typing it helps too. I've been journaling, additionally.

    I believe I have thought since forever that I am not allowed to be angry at anyone. I convinced myself that I had to prove something--pay--, regardless of the circumstance. My whole life I have been paying for something. I grew up wrong, and I treated people wrong, and failed to understand kind behavior as a child; therefore I am evil, type-beat. It really did not help, in anything. I wasn't allowed discontentment. I grew to ignore a lot of feelings in which fizzled inside for too long and then peaked with the help of anxious overthinking and unhelpful warped views--which got me in predicaments that I do not ever want to revisit. 

    Self reflection has been a constant. I recently saw a graphic of "The Rollercoaster of Change". Yes, corny, but helpful. I have made the decision to change, with knowingness of what needs to happen. I am trying to find something to hold onto. I am succeeding, more or less. As I said, it is getting easier. It will continue to get easier. The anger and pain will not go away anytime soon, but I am aware that the fervent feelings I experience--a lot of them--do not mean anything relevant to my growth, in truth. I will not hold a grudge. I am not my father. Though, I will still stand, in waiting. I believe a small deposit of hope in my head is kind of helping me stay alive--but I am aware that it isn't the healthiest thing. I do need to let go, and I do need to let whatever time is needed to pass for him to find himself and myself to figure out if I want it all back or not. Even if I come to a conclusion, I would drop it all no matter what. It's hard--despite all the changes I've made to my environment recently, a ghost continues to hold space in my room. I guess I don't mind.

I started my process for a passport today--expedited. Should be coming within the next 2+ weeks. April 2-5 I'll be in freakin' Toronto with the Japer. Huge. Speaking of the Japer, he showed me mIRC, an old IP based chat system from before the internet as we know it. Puter-wise, I burned two CDs of music that only remind me of my situation--but honestly, what doesn't? Too, I uploaded the 34,000 files of music that I had to format back in January back onto my mp3 player just yesterday..., though, I was stupid enough to try to add my own music on there again just an hour-ish ago, and my computer crashed...of course. So despite the 4 hours of a loading screen, I had to format the SD card again. I am now uploading my half first instead, 3,000~ish files, and the next time I try to upload Andy's music back onto it, I'm going to copy all the files into my actual computer's library so I don't risk the life of the hard drive he gave me of all his music. When I was uploading it, the drive had the name [MARTIN]: and it made me happy. 

My nose is irritated and I am unsure as to of why. My brother brought Jersey Mikes for dinner tonight, and he remembered I like sun-chips. He got me a drink, too. It made me happy. Mikes way is when Mike comes out and has his way with you; it's true. Academics-wise, I almost fully finished some Astronomy homework for the first time in weeks & turned it in. My American Gothic project has potential. Musical Theatre has been immensely entertaining. Lottier has been the kindest woman on the face of the Earth. She makes me incredibly happy. 

I'll start logging one thing that makes me happy everyday, I think. It's gotten easier to recognize positive items in my every-day life.

Good morrow, Martlings. Therapy appointment in the morning. Everyone clap.

2/20/2026 @ 10:20am ⬇

ACT prep. failing the math portion without a doubt but who needs that when you're trying to go to a college that doesn't require linking your score to your application. plus i'm half giving up on scientific pathways, music engineering & theatre will probably be my thing.

got s'more D&D shit coming up. i haven't played D&D since 8th grade. stuart got shit figured out with his legos and now we've got a campaign going. hopefully everyone will be there next time, because sitting next to his little sibling was actually insufferable. vulgar-ass kid. we clashed so hard. 

i feel like days are just kind of going. i mean, obviously, but theres not much of anything going on besides the constant    activity   within my brain that has achieved the "keep this guy upright" award. burned a bunch of CDs with music i'm already getting bored of. watched a bunch of bullshit i've already seen. i went on a couple adventures with the good days we had this week and now it's miserable outside again. i found new music, i suppose, but it really isn't my vibe. i don't really know what i am right now or who i plan to be. all i know is that my brain is   wwwrrroonngg and i gotta fix it. i'm over it. i can't stand myself.

i don't know if talking about this shit is a call for help. it is, probably, but idon't want to die. a little, i do, but not in the way that actually   removes me from this mortal plane. i just    need     something    to get me out   of here     forever. but i can't seem to find something to latch onto to keep me going.

so much pain when i could just   notfeel this way. it's hard to not feel this fucking way. i miss everything i had and i miss what i could've done. i miss what i had and i miss who i was. selfish bullshit. 

outta here

2/18/2026 @ 11:12pm ⬇

insufferable last two months

teenage shit isnt serious. it can never be that serious. but why does it justfeel so serious.

speaking a sorry feels like a tactic now; snaking into whatever guilt is there. speaking in the first person feels like something too self-serving.

how to stop making things self-centered. how to rationalize other viewpoints, how to understand the feelings of someone not close anymore. how to exist without eyes on growth. how to exist apart from something. these things were nature once. at least the last two. no thought was being produced regarding the way people processed action, or the quantity of reactions. there was no guilt inside enough to punish it all. there were no instances of regretful fault against loved ones. there was no fear.

saying it's unfixable has been easy for so long. patience and using the feeling to fuel whatever necessary inside to come to some sort of conclusion needs to be hard set. being alone has been the worst thing, yet there are so many opportunities to regain some sort of semblance of prevision for a future. it hurts for a while and then it gets shoved down until the next time the hurt is needed. though the pain inside did not ever escape every word that followed.

it was guaranteed the moment you left. there is joy in seeing such a change in demeanor, in outlook. freeness in you. whatever is inside of this coil held you down & didn't know., didn't know you hated the half of it.

i have never felt this lost and without. insecure and in need and in pain.

it'll go on. maybe in eleven years knowing you again will be a pleasure and not a fear.

i hope that you are living again.

goodnight

1/15/2026 @ 3:50pm ⬇

um hi martlings

life fucking  sucks right now in my own personal opinion 

i dont want to sound like an immature, complaining asshole, but objectively its not great. politically and personally. no one talks to me. i am left out  of everything. by the people i   consider.??/considered??? best friends.  i have no one to stay over with me over the weekend because me and my ex broke up mutually. im   lost  kind of. i dont   have a lot.  i um. miss   everyone. and i cant help but think that every time im  ignored and left out  that its my fault  and im the problem. i probably am. i  always  am

groupchats are empty   no one asks me to hang out   i am    always   last priority   i have been for a really long time, actually. its been like this since late-to-mid last year, yano. at this point i am entirely over it.  in the way that im just   fucking   numb to it  not really, im near crying as i write this,  but  i just cant fucking do anything   about it.

fuck all. 

i have no connection, i cant drive. i dont work. i sit around and fuck myself over. maybe its just an off day today. maybe everything will be fine. maybe ill be able to write again or make good art or talk to my friends like im not trying to prove my worth to them every time   because  thats the way it fucking is   every   time

at least i have plans on sunday

bye

12/23/2025 @ 2:24pm ⬇

Hello friends,

Shit man. Two days till xmas! I have none of my presents wrapped or bagged, instead I am downloading music...legally....and implementing it into an online music program called MusicBee. It is one of the coolest things ever. My computer's storage is fucked, but do I care? Naw. (All my sims mods are fucking gone    Im never playing the sims ever again)

I spent almost 7 hours hyper-fixating on downloading 801 tracks--which constitutes as 64 albums...and counting, now. I didn't take my ADHD meds yesterday so I was so fucking locked in. I didn't eat dinner. I didn't sleep until 4am. I haven't felt that neurodivergent in months it was kind of incredible.

I've been drinking coffee in the morning every day for almost 3 days lol. Its just so fun.

Bye Martlings--Probably won't remember to upload until far after xmas....I am going to IN for 3 days!

Signing off

12/17/2025 @ 10:51pm ⬇

Hello Martlings.

Life has been insufferably hectic recently. Exams have been set in motion and I truthfully have been so burnt out I can neither study (and yet I still stress about studying) nor feel Awake Enough mentally to think about anything. I will say I have been working hard on OC shit and I suppose that means double standards and but the AuDHD has been fucking evil to me. The hyperfixation is not helpful. The unfocused brain is not fun. I am not having a good time. After exams is two whole fuckin weeks of free time and XMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I am the most excited guy ever. It is a needed break.

I have been thinking a lot about Walter and Malikye recently though and I think that's been keeping me afloat. I believe that I need to expand their horizons in my writings for them, since often times it's just them in their Older Age (60s, so EARLY 2000s) and never any actual lore since their old age is present time in the universe. They have this whooolllee background that is very difficult to envision in writing and I'm relatively unsure of where to start, because their story spans over,,.... almost 30 years????? '75 to '02 (technically the cannon end of the story is far later, like 2013 I think I landed on?? Walter would be 77 and Malikye would be 71) ...I don't plan on arranging their deaths or even fathoming the possibility of them, so they just....stop there forever. I digress. They have a whole story relying on LEverette Labs and the growth of Walter's company over 20 some years and .... I literally have written zero nothing nada for any part of that era other than something I haven't even finished that takes place outside of their work-life. I've got to get on that. I have so many ideas and plans, I just think I need to write things out to set items in stone.

Veruca, my cat, has been very active. Around town, as they say. She's been showing up in my room and jumping on my bed, standing in the entryways between parts of my house and almost letting my family pet her..., prettay cool stuff. I really think that she's assimilating real well. Haven't seen her much today though at all..............................................................................nervous. We'll see if she comes around sometime in the night.

Anywho. It is eleven o clock and I think little Martin has to go bed time for bonzos. Good Night Martlings

11/14/2025 @ 10:36pm ⬇

Watching Pink Flamingos rn drunk as fuck. Lovin it. Weird shit playing in the background.

Cat is in my room. I've missed her so much. She's so kind and pretty and I love her.

I have not seen my boyfriend alone in two weeks. I amf fucking losing it. I need him. Killingmyself now

Oh rape is happening on my screen right now. They have a chicken in their hands. Im uncomfortable. Cute! Fun! poor chicken jesus christ dude.Ihope thats  a fake chicken

goodnight martlings weird shit happenign rn

10/21/2025 @ 12:57am ⬇

Recently I've been unhelpfully reminded about how ADHD affects me without my meds. I don't remember being as attention deficit and forgetful as I am after not taking Guanfacine for a few days. I feel like a goldfish. Every moment I just get more and more distracted by every screen in my possession and it doesn't help that I'm actively trying to remove myself from the bane of existence that is the social side of the Internet. I haven't been drawing, or writing, because my BRAIN has not found any time to focus on it. It's evil.

My cat, I believe, is still in my home. I found her late last week and she is okay...I think! I've been thinking a lot about my OCs and I need to do something with them. Everything gives me ideas but then I forget the ideas and then lose interest in their growth. Something has got to happen.

Need to listen to more music. Need to make more music. Creative drought, all because of the evil musical. Spamalot was the worst thing to ever happen to me academically. Why Are They Especially Picky With Due Dates And Homework Assignments During Tech And Show Week. I'd love to know why they hate me specifically. It's over now though! I'm free! I can do anything and go anywhere and have fun . Wow. Life is beautiful. I don't dread rehearsal after 7 hours of work to do more works for 2 more hours. Fuck that shit. I'm never doing a musical again (genuinely half joking. that shit sucked.)

I Have to go to bed. Good night martlings. Fuuuuuck man.

10/6/2025 @ 10:06pm ⬇

Hi chat. Everything is ok. Normal people do normal things and stuff gets complicated but it will all resolve in the end. It's just going to be the same thing, differently presented in the future. That's ok.

Upped my ears to 00g. Youch! My left ear has been hurting since yesterday nonstop really. Gotta clean them still. oouuuf. 

Been really getting into cigarettes lately.

Updating you guys instead of doing Algebra 2 homework and studying for my Astronomy test (fml). My cat has been missing since Saturday. I literally think shes  like. gone. Out of the house. Escapee. 

I miss her.

Made some new ocs. Maybe I'll link their character descriptions to the main blog. We'll see.

Spamalot is also going well. I'm starting to enjoy myself now that things are actually moving and my director isn't treating me like a fucking idiot. Whatevs

Also I will really never get to my monthly and weekly music thing. I am so bad at remembering everything. Sorrey!

Night martlings

9/20/2025 @ 10:46am ⬇

Been bored and so incredibly exhausted. Haven't had the time to do anything fun. Been thinking about Minecraft and Disco Elysium but I've been unable to find the motivation to play. Kind of feeling left out but that always comes up. I don't have a lot to talk about but felt I'd update the blog. Maybe I'll add something later when I'm not totally slumped in my bed, I only woke up an hour ago lol.

9/10/2025 @ 5:20pm ⬇

Charlie Kirk, a right-wing MAGA fucker got shot in the jugular today at 12p. Fucking died, man.

He was setting himself up for that shit. Honestly, he should've expected it. I was saying if he got shot, why not the Bitch in the house right now? He's killed people by proxy. He's raped women. Split up families. He's ruined lives and yet he still doesn't get repercussions. He's practically invincible by the standards of the current day climate. He's fucked.

I can't believe he can get away with signing the piece of paper preventing the Epstein list from breaking out. The fact that he denied the action is simply a confession. It baffles me he's still in office after all the proof of him being a racist, rapist, womanizing fascist. Again, invincible. It's devastating he's still alive and functioning enough to dig himself deeper into the hole he's been digging since the fuckin' 80s. He's not even politically focused. He didn't start by being a figure in that area. He was a dipshit bureaucrat with daddy's money and all the privilege one needs to get the audacity to rape a woman and get away with it every two weeks. He still has exactly that. He gets away with it all, that fucking freak. He got the chance to cause tyranny and he took it. This shit is just an Oligarchy by definition atp. 

Kinda a bad day today. Just felt so dull. Shits been weird recently.

9/6/2025 @ 12:57pm ⬇

Unfortunately did not sleep as long as I wanted this morning. Woke up due to my cat scratching at my door at around 11a. 

My ears are not sore at all today! Even when I touch them! I believe I did something right. 

Just had some zucchini bread w/ butter and fruit loops,,...weird combo but they sounded good so I ate them. I'm watching Markiplier play Hello Neighbor now. I get the urge to watch his series of this game every five months or something, it's odd. His videos were so short back then -- 11 minutes on avr. He was so cute. LOL

Hello Neighbor has been a game I've wanted to play myself for EVER. It's so interesting to me. I'm a huge fan.

Ok, I'm out again. Baii

9/5/2025 @ 10:02pm ⬇

Hello chat. Been a bit. Forgot my blog existed..... I explode. Still struggling with social media and the detachment from it, but my resentment towards my devices and technology continues to increase as days go by. I am begrudgingly functioning on the internet. 

I recently upped my EAR gauges this time, to 0g. They've been doing quite well actually. They're sore in the mornings, and the right one is sore only to the touch, but other than that....they have not proved to be something to worry about. I evidently had a bunch of scar tissue from the last time I sized down after a blowout, unfortunately, so it was incredibly difficult to get the right taper through. The left, however, went in easy, but definitely not without pain. Ibuprofen was taken......!!

My labret is currently slightly irritated. I got a bunch of hand-me-downs from my mom's best friend's husband, Andy, and that stuff included a bunch of jewelry he doesn't use anymore..., therefore I've been switching out my labret every day since for my various outfits of the week. I did a spikey setup the other day, and today I did a completely spherical setup; my clicker and a labret captive ball. Preeetty cool. 

Me and my mom went out to get sushi at the only sushi restaurant in my fuckass small-town in Ohio. Tasty stuff, but I opted out of getting my favs and I'm actually really sad about it. I always get a cooked eel avocado roll with a Philadelphia and I didn't get them. Bruh

Anyways. I'm exhausted. School has been genuinely fucking insufferable this past week; rehearsal every day, social battery gone, emotional regulation out the window. Stoked for the weekend. I'm gonna chill the heck out. I'm gunna sleep and bike to Goodwill, maybe. Watch YouTube and possibly write somethin for my blog. Perhaps I'll start posting character stories to here instead of ao3.

Down and out, Martin

8/19/2025 @ 12:40pm ⬇

I am normal now. My throat no longer hurts and I have money in my account and school starts in a day and I love my boyfriend. I do, though, feel insecure about my haircut. I feel as if I reached a little too far out of my comfort zone. 

I played some Disco Elysium, that was fun. It's a really annoying process, that game. But I have so many things to do and so much to explore with   a lacking attention span. So I will grow. I will learn to enjoy it, because I love the concept and the characters and I wish to get involved. 

I have figured out how to   not focus on social media, and that is gaming. I love gaming. I am the gamer ever. Also if I wish to log on, I use my puter. Simple as that.

Still need to work on my revised character sheet, maybe I'll start that now. I'll sleep one day.

8/16/2025 @ 10:12pm ⬇

I hate my phone. I fucking hate it. It genuinely makes me so angry. Every-time I open it I get slammed with the overwhelming need to scroll on whatever socials I've left on it for just an ounce of serotonin. It makes me so angry, because I KNOW I don't need it, but Having the phone in my hand makes me freak out and shove my morals out the window. I don't know what else to do, though. I don't read, I don't always have my computer with me places..., if I'm standing in a line I get egoed by people who too got wrapped up in the evil of the average social media.

I feel trapped. One of my only sources of connection is the internet, the following I've accumulated on socials. I am not myself if not made to express myself to an audience that enjoys my presence and appearance and appreciate my interests. But I'm so tired of sitting and scrolling like some Combine-Overwatch Stalker. I'm so stoked for school to start so I don't have a reason to be on my fucking phone. I don't find anything on there interesting enough to stressing out about it in the first place.

I think either one of or both of my tonsils are swollen. My throat hurts. I have a headache. Screens hurt my eyes and yet I continue to envelop myself in them. Lord shoot me down.

8/14/2025 @ 9:27pm ⬇

I just upped my septum's gauge to 4mm. Hurt like a bitch. All is well, though! Clean, Ibuprofen taken, and edible about to be eaten. 

I think it's really funny how I do, for sure, have a horrid pain tolerance. I feel it all. But I just personally do not care about the way it hurts me. Half the time when I am in pain I refuse to take an Ibu because it just feels unnecessary to me -- Even when the pain is caused by my hypermobility (this makes  people angry at me) (but i just can't be bothered). Sometimes I feel like my pain is what makes me believable as a human    learned because my parents often don't believe me when I say I'm hurting, or downplay my physical and mental struggles. Very weird behavior on my part, but it is what it is I suppose!

I'm telling myself I'll go to Goodwill and shoplift s'more tomorrow. It's almost the end of the summer and I didn't do shit today -- Slept in till 4p and all I ate was tuna.......!!!!Wow

Watched some of the WWDITS movie. Gunna play the Sims 4, hopefully. Download some mods, get silly. I'm trying to think of something to blogpost but I am unmotivated creatively. It'll come to me someday.