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10/21/2025 @ 12:57am ⬇

Recently I've been unhelpfully reminded about how ADHD affects me without my meds. I don't remember being as attention deficit and forgetful as I am after not taking Guanfacine for a few days. I feel like a goldfish. Every moment I just get more and more distracted by every screen in my possession and it doesn't help that I'm actively trying to remove myself from the bane of existence that is the social side of the Internet. I haven't been drawing, or writing, because my BRAIN has not found any time to focus on it. It's evil.

My cat, I believe, is still in my home. I found her late last week and she is okay...I think! I've been thinking a lot about my OCs and I need to do something with them. Everything gives me ideas but then I forget the ideas and then lose interest in their growth. Something has got to happen.

Need to listen to more music. Need to make more music. Creative drought, all because of the evil musical. Spamalot was the worst thing to ever happen to me academically. Why Are They Especially Picky With Due Dates And Homework Assignments During Tech And Show Week. I'd love to know why they hate me specifically. It's over now though! I'm free! I can do anything and go anywhere and have fun . Wow. Life is beautiful. I don't dread rehearsal after 7 hours of work to do more works for 2 more hours. Fuck that shit. I'm never doing a musical again (genuinely half joking. that shit sucked.)

I Have to go to bed. Good night martlings. Fuuuuuck man.

10/6/2025 @ 10:06pm ⬇

Hi chat. Everything is ok. Normal people do normal things and stuff gets complicated but it will all resolve in the end. It's just going to be the same thing, differently presented in the future. That's ok.

Boyfriend is cool. I like him a lot. I    love him a lot. I have no other words for him other than I love him. I love him I love him I love him

Upped my ears to 00g. Youch! My left ear has been hurting since yesterday nonstop really. Gotta clean them still. oouuuf. 

Been really getting into cigarettes lately.

Updating you guys instead of doing Algebra 2 homework and studying for my Astronomy test (fml). My cat has been missing since Saturday. I literally think shes  like. gone. Out of the house. Escapee. 

I miss her.

Made some new ocs. Maybe I'll link their character descriptions to the main blog. We'll see.

Spamalot is also going well. I'm starting to enjoy myself now that things are actually moving and my director isn't treating me like a fucking idiot. Whatevs

Also I will really never get to my monthly and weekly music thing. I am so bad at remembering everything. Sorrey!

Night martlings

9/25/2025 @ 11:34am ⬇

I am trapped in my own head.

My brain called this. I felt like shit a week ago and that's when all of it started. I have no power to change anything and there's absolutely nothing I can do to resolve it. I can't reverse anything. I can't fix my image. I can't get into his head and find specific moments where I fucked up, go back in time, and punch myself in the mouth before I did. I would if I could. I'd do anything for this to just work out. I'd do anything so neither of us would have to cry every conversation. Or act all day before a breakup. Or hide things. Or complain. I have nothing to complain about. I wasn't hurt. I'm hurt now, but I wasn't then. We were so devoted. I wanted to live my adulthood out with you. We had the same wants and I wanted nothing but for all your dreams to come true. You were my focus and I thought that maybe, my devotion would have rubbed off. Would have fixed things. The devotion hasn't changed. I'll always be waiting like a fucking dog. I wasn't lying.

9/20/2025 @ 10:46am ⬇

Been bored and so incredibly exhausted. Haven't had the time to do anything fun. Been thinking about Minecraft and Disco Elysium but I've been unable to find the motivation to play. Kind of feeling left out but that always comes up. I don't have a lot to talk about but felt I'd update the blog. Maybe I'll add something later when I'm not totally slumped in my bed, I only woke up an hour ago lol.

9/10/2025 @ 5:20pm ⬇

Charlie Kirk, a right-wing MAGA fucker got shot in the jugular today at 12p. Fucking died, man.

He was setting himself up for that shit. Honestly, he should've expected it. I was saying if he got shot, why not the Bitch in the house right now? He's killed people by proxy. He's raped women. Split up families. He's ruined lives and yet he still doesn't get repercussions. He's practically invincible by the standards of the current day climate. He's fucked.

I can't believe he can get away with signing the piece of paper preventing the Epstein list from breaking out. The fact that he denied the action is simply a confession. It baffles me he's still in office after all the proof of him being a racist, rapist, womanizing fascist. Again, invincible. It's devastating he's still alive and functioning enough to dig himself deeper into the hole he's been digging since the fuckin' 80s. He's not even politically focused. He didn't start by being a figure in that area. He was a dipshit bureaucrat with daddy's money and all the privilege one needs to get the audacity to rape a woman and get away with it every two weeks. He still has exactly that. He gets away with it all, that fucking freak. He got the chance to cause tyranny and he took it. This shit is just an Oligarchy by definition atp. 

Kinda a bad day today. Just felt so dull. Shits been weird recently.

9/6/2025 @ 12:57pm ⬇

Unfortunately did not sleep as long as I wanted this morning. Woke up due to my cat scratching at my door at around 11a. 

My ears are not sore at all today! Even when I touch them! I believe I did something right. 

Just had some zucchini bread w/ butter and fruit loops,,...weird combo but they sounded good so I ate them. I'm watching Markiplier play Hello Neighbor now. I get the urge to watch his series of this game every five months or something, it's odd. His videos were so short back then -- 11 minutes on avr. He was so cute. LOL

Hello Neighbor has been a game I've wanted to play myself for EVER. It's so interesting to me. I'm a huge fan.

Ok, I'm out again. Baii

9/5/2025 @ 10:02pm ⬇

Hello chat. Been a bit. Forgot my blog existed..... I explode. Still struggling with social media and the detachment from it, but my resentment towards my devices and technology continues to increase as days go by. I am begrudgingly functioning on the internet. 

I recently upped my EAR gauges this time, to 0g. They've been doing quite well actually. They're sore in the mornings, and the right one is sore only to the touch, but other than that....they have not proved to be something to worry about. I evidently had a bunch of scar tissue from the last time I sized down after a blowout, unfortunately, so it was incredibly difficult to get the right taper through. The left, however, went in easy, but definitely not without pain. Ibuprofen was taken......!!

My labret is currently slightly irritated. I got a bunch of hand-me-downs from my mom's best friend's husband, Andy, and that stuff included a bunch of jewelry he doesn't use anymore..., therefore I've been switching out my labret every day since for my various outfits of the week. I did a spikey setup the other day, and today I did a completely spherical setup; my clicker and a labret captive ball. Preeetty cool. 

Me and my mom went out to get sushi at the only sushi restaurant in my fuckass small-town in Ohio. Tasty stuff, but I opted out of getting my favs and I'm actually really sad about it. I always get a cooked eel avocado roll with a Philadelphia and I didn't get them. Bruh

Anyways. I'm exhausted. School has been genuinely fucking insufferable this past week; rehearsal every day, social battery gone, emotional regulation out the window. Stoked for the weekend. I'm gonna chill the heck out. I'm gunna sleep and bike to Goodwill, maybe. Watch YouTube and possibly write somethin for my blog. Perhaps I'll start posting character stories to here instead of ao3.

Down and out, Martin

8/19/2025 @ 12:40pm ⬇

I am normal now. My throat no longer hurts and I have money in my account and school starts in a day and I love my boyfriend. I do, though, feel insecure about my haircut. I feel as if I reached a little too far out of my comfort zone. 

I played some Disco Elysium, that was fun. It's a really annoying process, that game. But I have so many things to do and so much to explore with   a lacking attention span. So I will grow. I will learn to enjoy it, because I love the concept and the characters and I wish to get involved. 

I have figured out how to   not focus on social media, and that is gaming. I love gaming. I am the gamer ever. Also if I wish to log on, I use my puter. Simple as that.

Still need to work on my revised character sheet, maybe I'll start that now. I'll sleep one day.

8/16/2025 @ 10:12pm ⬇

I hate my phone. I fucking hate it. It genuinely makes me so angry. Every-time I open it I get slammed with the overwhelming need to scroll on whatever socials I've left on it for just an ounce of serotonin. It makes me so angry, because I KNOW I don't need it, but Having the phone in my hand makes me freak out and shove my morals out the window. I don't know what else to do, though. I don't read, I don't always have my computer with me places..., if I'm standing in a line I get egoed by people who too got wrapped up in the evil of the average social media.

I feel trapped. One of my only sources of connection is the internet, the following I've accumulated on socials. I am not myself if not made to express myself to an audience that enjoys my presence and appearance and appreciate my interests. But I'm so tired of sitting and scrolling like some Combine-Overwatch Stalker. I'm so stoked for school to start so I don't have a reason to be on my fucking phone. I don't find anything on there interesting enough to stressing out about it in the first place.

I think either one of or both of my tonsils are swollen. My throat hurts. I have a headache. Screens hurt my eyes and yet I continue to envelop myself in them. Lord shoot me down.

8/14/2025 @ 9:27pm ⬇

I just upped my septum's gauge to 4mm. Hurt like a bitch. All is well, though! Clean, Ibuprofen taken, and edible about to be eaten. 

I think it's really funny how I do, for sure, have a horrid pain tolerance. I feel it all. But I just personally do not care about the way it hurts me. Half the time when I am in pain I refuse to take an Ibu because it just feels unnecessary to me -- Even when the pain is caused by my hypermobility (this makes  people angry at me) (but i just can't be bothered). Sometimes I feel like my pain is what makes me believable as a human    learned because my parents often don't believe me when I say I'm hurting, or downplay my physical and mental struggles. Very weird behavior on my part, but it is what it is I suppose!

I'm telling myself I'll go to Goodwill and shoplift s'more tomorrow. It's almost the end of the summer and I didn't do shit today -- Slept in till 4p and all I ate was tuna.......!!!!Wow

Watched some of the WWDITS movie. Gunna play the Sims 4, hopefully. Download some mods, get silly. I'm trying to think of something to blogpost but I am unmotivated creatively. It'll come to me someday.